Square Peg
Education has always been a fundamental part of my life. It wasn’t until we were assigned this paper that I thought about the fact that I consider my education to be a safety net that makes me feel comfortable and safe. I did not experience anything traumatizing or unfortunate as a child, so I had no reason to not want to be at home. Yet, I found happiness in attending school and learning about new and unknown facts and information. This could stem from the emotions I had from a young age about feeling conflicted about what it meant to receive the type of education I had. On my mother’s side of the family, I would be made fun of by cousins and even aunts for being a “nerd” or a “square peg” because I enjoyed school. On the other hand, on my father’s side, doing well in school and achieving the best was an expectation and requirement.
I didn’t know how to feel about school. I knew that I loved it but at the same time felt embarrassed or ashamed for the education I was receiving. Reading Tara Westover’s book Educated made me reconsider what I consider education to be. Her coming to the realization that education could provide a better understanding of her life and the significance of the issues within it made me also see how education has shaped the way I lived my life and shaped how I reacted to the world around me. Both institutionalized education and the “real world” education I received at home about family dynamics, cultural expectations, and more.
I grew up in a multicultural household. My mother is Black and my father is Filipino. From a young age, I already struggled with trying to balance both. My Asian side had high expectations from the beginning. I was put into piano, karate, tutoring, ballet, and beginning at 3 years old. My mother agreed to it because she wanted me to become a well rounded person. Her family however, were more hesitant. They considered those things to be “white people” activities and that my father’s side was attempting to erase the fact that I was half Black. They wondered why I never did things that were more culturally Black. I honestly cannot even tell you what those things would be at such a young age, but apparently it was considered a “betrayal”. As I got older, I dropped a majority of the activities, but kept a few such as piano. My cousins on my mom’s side would laugh at the fact that I enjoyed piano and classical music. They would ask why I didn’t like their music. I said I did, but I hadn’t heard it enough to make a conclusion.
This animosity and resentment worsened around middle school. I was at a Catholic middle school and doing well, while one cousin of mine was getting in trouble at school and was getting suspended frequently. This somehow ended up becoming a problem with me, because comparisons were being made. This is when I began to close myself off from my mother’s side of the family and put even more pressure on myself to do well in school and devote my time to my education. I kept thinking that if I did well enough, eventually they would accept me and be proud of me for achieving so many accomplishments and attempting to break that stereotype of being an uneducated Black kid. However, this made things worse because it made it seem as though I was doing it because I didn’t want to be associated with my cousin who was falling into that stereotype.
High school came and went. I attended two different high schools, both Catholic. I fell even deeper into my academics and extracurriculars, again trying to appease both sides. I really struggled with everything, especially at my former high school. I hated that school with a burning passion because I felt lost and confused about who I was, and I did not like my home life since my cousin was constantly berating me and his mother was always making comments about me being a nerd. I started disliking being at school as well because of my classmates, the horrible teachers, and that safety net of education being ripped from under me on all sides.
After I attended my new high school, I felt a weight be lifted off my shoulders. I moved in with my father’s mother and attended school in a different state. Separating from the toxicity of my aunt and her child made a drastic change in my mindset and life. I again was doing very well in school and felt excited and passionate about everything once again. I had some of the best teachers that I am still in contact with to this day. I ended up doing well and getting into the colleges that I applied to. I made a good group of friends that were supportive. I still have memories of things that I was taught from those teachers that aren't explicitly from the textbooks. Life lessons, them lending an ear when they saw I was struggling, recommending a book I would like because they knew I enjoyed reading.
All of that made a difference in my life and helped with my anxiety and depression about failure. By failure, I mean a failure as a member of my family and of the Black community as they were making me feel every time they poked and prodded any of my accomplishments and achievements.
My education has helped me to confront my past and face those family members that would bring me down. I confronted my aunt and told her that I was sick of the way she was demonizing my enjoyment of academics and education as a betrayal to my family and race. I told her the purpose of me excelling and working on myself was not just to make my Asian side proud, but to break that stereotypical mold of Black people being lazy and uneducated. I told her that I am sorry that her son fell into the trap that reinforced what society had claimed he would be, but I would not feel bad about myself being able to rise past that issue.
I want to use my education to help others, especially within my communities. Both sides are minorities and face struggles. I will use the blessings that I have received to help break down those barriers and make it easier for people of color to be able to achieve their goals and be helped in any way possible that I am able to. As a nurse, I want to help lessen the animosity and hesitancy African Americans have towards the medical field due to historical atrocities conducted upon them by the medical field. My sister wants to become a nurse as well because she sees how passionate I am and wants to be like her big sister. I want other little Black girls to see that they can become medical professionals and give back to their communities and create their own forms of education that will work most effectively in changing the systemic structures in place that allow misinformation and ignorance to prevail.
If you would like to read the Learning Outcomes for this essay, click here
